Gerard Sarnat

Ecstasy

comes
harder
these
days
what
with
sex
not
what

once
was
plus
few
folks
our
age
able
and

willing
to
take
MDMA
‘cause
of
heart
disease
risks.

 

Deliberations Begin: To Be Continued

S: Guys, we’re on tonight at my place.
I think R, C, D and I are attending
but I can’t remember exactly.
My brother, R, also plans to come.
We should discuss his potential membership.
I’m not pushing, but it would be good to do this
with most/all of the group present and without him.
We have had a cohesive well as long-lasting group,
which I value more than most things in my life,
thus I don’t think we should change
without an open, thorough discussion.
Thoughts are welcome by email,
though I think in-person eventually’s necessary.
I am feeling non-defensive about this.
My bro and I have a close relationship
that will be positive with or without joining us.
Plus on second thought I have somewhat mixed feelings.
95% positive but some resistance I don’t understand. Love, S.

C: I’m up for R’s membership provided G, our oldest dude,
who’s been in Group a quarter century,
continues to feel up for introducing a new and youngest guy.

G: This feels satisfying.
When we frame decisions in a process — which can either be explicit
or even better as between S and C up to now in this thread implicit
— wise results often flow. Thanks!
Just finishing dinner at one daughter’s.
L’s feeling good just in time to fly to NYC with a friend early in the AM.
Y did his first one-move-crawl earlier today.
E was so tickled she let me and her husband smoke a little
for the first time since Y arrived!
Back to frisbee, scootering and spinning the click-clacking wheels
to a mounted racing bike with his mesmerized older brother L.
Have a good Group tonight, xo.

C: nice!
My bottom-line: this potential addition – our 1st in 15 years –
only works if it works for everyone.
Any dissenting feeling is valid by definition, even without explanation.
That said: I hope we add him. I like him, and I think he will be a generative
plus to our roster and attendance.

G: So, after happily serving as her personal assistant for the last 24 hours, L just put in Lyft to SFO.
Looks like Sat or Sunday will work for a playdate.
Let me know, so I can optimize my free-as-a-bird sched…
C, “your” Bengals looked more wasted in hometown humidity than Niners in an offensively anemic and defensively porous generally inelegant sloppy 41-10 game until SF called off the dogs in last minute. With an opener win against hapless Tampa Bay, 49ers aren’t a very good 2-0 team. Plan to watch a lot more football with wifey away!

C: If we’re indulging, I’ll vote for Saturday morning, to allow prior fasting and later rest.
If otherwise, anytime is fine with me.
(Cincinnati is dismal.)

S: Hi guys –
Finding myself upset after group last night, I’ve been trying to sort out why.
I wanted to share my thoughts in the hope of sparking future discussions.
I have tried to be clear that I’m hoping that the decision on whether or not my brother joins
the group be a deliberate process, which includes the entire group,
and at least one meeting without my brother.
I have said this so that we can hear and understand G’s concerns
and to process my feelings about the transition.
Yet, at last night’s group C invited R to our annual retreat
and requested his contact information to include him in weekly meetings.
This was after my email indicating that I had some hesitance
about R joining the group and multiple requests to not ignore input from G and others.
I’m glad you all like my brother.
He is my closest friend and in many ways I am excited about having him in the group.
But having him there is a big change.
Much of what he brings is replay for me,
and I now realize that I very much appreciate
the dynamic I have with a group of men that does not include my three brothers.
As stated in my previous email, I am mostly positive and open about his joining,
but I would like to have a discussion about it.
Treating this as done deal has ignored my requests — this was upsetting.
Could we please talk about this at the Oct 2 meeting?
I’ll miss next week which might be a time to talk about the possible transition without me if you want, S.

E: I hear you, S.
It is important that you, in particular, clarify your thoughts and concerns,
as this is a complex and potentially loaded issue
given our group commitment
and R being your actual bro.
I agree that a deliberate process is our path to success,
allowing the outcome to be what it will be.
Looking forward to continuing our process as a group.
Respect, E.

C: S, thx for this.
One clarification is that I meant for R to try to keep his calendar clear for our weekend in case all goes well.
I didn’t mean to invite him.
That said, I’ll plead guilty to having been presumptively optimistic about his chances.
I particularly underestimated your hesitancy and your desire for a full process.
My earlier email stated my thoughts and feelings. Going forward, I’ll rein in my presumptive behavior.

S: Glad we are having the discussion. Thank you.

D: Thanks for raising your concerns, S.
It also feels good to me to see your fierce heart to stand for the interests of G as well.
Hmmm, I am noticing that this feels like a much deeper denser process
than the time which has been allowed for each person’s expression.
I propose a session not constrained by time to allow for completion.

G: All comments appreciated.
Haven’t heard from B yet.
To clarify my still evolving and open-minded position:
1. After meeting once, R seems like a great guy, no question.
2. If we were to add someone and he were not S’s brother, R as a person appears to be a good fit.
3. But I’ve had concerns about the complexity of adding a relative of any existing member.
4. S now voices “minority-opinion” concerns too.
5. In fact, I would also not elect to add a current member’s friend.
6. Given the universe of possibilities, why bring in a relative or friend who may introduce distracting complications?
7. Perhaps others find those scenarios intriguing.
8. I don’t find going down those rabbit holes particularly central to my/our basic work.
9. I would choose not to change what S characterized as our “cohesive and long-lasting group.”
10. As the oldest by a good margin, my POV is to stay the course.
11. However, I do understand others’ reasons for bringing in new blood as it were.
12. So if S decides bringing R in is of significant potential benefit to him,
I wouldn’t exercise the effective veto inherent
in Craig’s “For me, it only works if it works for everyone.
Any dissenting feeling is valid by definition, even without explanation.”
13. I agree we all need to be in the same room at the same time to delve further.
14. My feeling/hope’s that this is a deeply constructive process which’ll sort itself out with everybody eventually agreeing.
Love, G.

S: Thanks G… I appreciate your thoughts and I am also appreciating the process.

E: ditto xo

G: I sense a thawing on my end with E: since our tiff, you are making me a better person. xo

E: Thanks for sharing this G, look forward to continuing the process. XO