The Conversation                                                                                                     

            Before Benny was hired it was made abundantly clear that the office was LGBTQ friendly, and if he had any issues with that he should look elsewhere for work. But Benny was in no danger. Having friends on the spectrum and being generally open minded made him an ally as it was; in fact, he rather thought that for him, it was a selling point for the position. Nevertheless, it was reiterated on his first day that while office romances and non-offensive flirting was only natural, he should refrain from anything too off-color, for example, there was a transgender person working there and LGBTQ clients came through often enough to warrant caution with language that could be considered offensive. Once again Benny couldn’t remember the last time he bothered to listen to a minority degrading joke and was not about to tell one. No, that was not really going to be a problem for him.

            Indeed, as he settled in to his new environment he found a certain peace and openness among his co-workers as even he was taken on merit and personality as opposed to generalizations and stereotypes; well, except for reaching things up high and lifting heavy objects! There was one thing he couldn’t get out of his mind though: ever since he was told, he had an underlying curiosity as to who the transgender person in the office might be. As it was, he was the only male in the office and there were a couple dozen women for him to consider.

            After several weeks, he had at least chatted with every one of his co-workers and he still was not sold on who the transgender person was supposed to be. It was rumored that a few people were still working remotely and a few were on-location or away on assignments – it was an international company after all. Benny thus assumed that whomever the transgender person was must be off-site because there were only a few people in the office that could have possibly been born male and that was assuming he was looking for a trans girl at all.

            There was the statuesque Suzette, but only by her height was she even remotely a possibility. Lee Ann was pretty androgynous…  but Benny tried not to obsess over it, figuring maybe it would come out organically as he got to know everybody. Certainly that was not his only motivation to be friendly, and by nature he, a conversationalist, simply enjoyed chatting with his co-workers.

            Also,  since it was explicitly stated that an office romance was not off limits, he was not above considering asking some of his co-workers out. Benny was not a stranger to, or opposed to having a romantic relationship, but he had been alone since taking his position. He was, after all, in a new place in a new city and had little time to befriend people outside of his office. Nevertheless, his being a bit introverted and perhaps overly cautious made him in no hurry as he got to know each of his co-workers more personally.

            As it turned out, most were married or involved, a couple were simply in different places in their lives, and Rita, his secret crush, was probably out of his league or already in a relationship, although he had not gotten to spend much time with her to know any details. A bonus, if he got to know her, was that her friend, one of the off-site people that popped in now and again, was maybe sorta-kinda a candidate for being the trans-girl, as she was rather muscular and deep voiced – but Benny really didn’t know her at all and was not going to jump to conclusions. Plus, as time went on and he found his place among his colleagues, he kind of lost interest in his detective work, and began enjoying his actual job more. He was even becoming content to let any romantic interest just come as it may.

            After Benny had been there a few months, a project came up where he had the opportunity to finally work with Rita. Benny still did not know much about her personality or nature, but she had dark hair and deep blue eyes and always dressed to impress – all of which Benny found very physically attractive. Whether or not they would connect personality-wise remained to be seen. Considering that, he was grateful for the opportunity to finally have a chance to work with her.

            Luckily for Benny, the task they had was not particularly glamorous or exciting and they passed much of the time chatting about all sorts of things. Benny found Rita’s banter to be refreshing and easy, and it didn’t take long before they fell into a fast friendship – it also didn’t take long for Benny to realize he was in a little bit of danger when he discovered she was “currently unattached.”

            After a couple of days the conversation got around to the office environment and how it seemed more than by policy to be very inclusive. Benny alluded to the idea that he thought the pro-LGBTQI environment was a plus to him. This particular fact opened up the conversation a bit more and Rita asked what Benny thought about transgender people. Benny, figuring Rita knew who the trans person was, was happy to pursue the line of questioning and answered as honestly as possible.

            “Well, what do you mean by ‘think of them?’ “

            “Like in do you believe them? Do you think they are real?”

            Benny related about how he had gone to school with a trans boy and played baseball with him. “Yeah, trust me, he was a guy through and through, it’s to do with the brain. He was a guy on the inside for sure. The trouble is that their bodies betray them, it is hard when you are born in the wrong body. We spent lots of time in the gym and helped him bulk up and stuff.”

            Rita looked carefully at Benny as he recollected his memories. “So you really liked him? Did it ever get weird?”

            “You mean between us? No. We were tight, pretty much the whole baseball team liked him. He was a good player, way into it.”

            “What about for other teams or schools or outside of sports?”

            “Well, he had to use a gender neutral locker room and stuff, and there were a few random hecklers and such… I don’t even know if outsiders even knew or could tell, he pretty much looked like a boy so…”

            “What about trans-girls? Is that different?”

            “Well,  I think it is much harder for them to look it, to not be mis-gendered. Nobody pays attention to men in a way, but women…  Lots of scrutiny.”

            “I see,” said Rita. “But do you think they are real women or?”

            “Oh, Rita. I think you have to understand men. No man would ever choose to be a girl, have their junk cut off… it’s simply not a thing. So yeah, I totally believe trans-women are real women. Absolutely.”

            Rita seemed to be struggling with Benny’s explanation, and Benny could see that she was considering her response carefully. Benny was not bothered with the idea that the trans discussion would continue because he knew, from real life experience, how repressive it could be for trans-people and was willing to step up in their defense. Also, he wanted to know where Rita stood on all this. So he focused on her words carefully.

            “Some people claim that transgender people don’t have the experiences of cis-born people and wonder how they can claim to ‘know’ what it is like to be a man or a woman without that experience. For example, how do they know they are a woman if they haven’t lived the experience?”

            Benny began worrying that Rita might not really be an ally or even be a bit transphobic, so he dug a bit deeper and tried to explain how he perceived it.

            “Because we don’t know what we experience either” he began. “The truth is that most people don’t think about their gender at all, they don’t consider it as something to be experienced, they just are. If you take out anything physical or anything directly related to body functions, how are we anything but internally constructed mental entities? I have heard the arguments, but for example, to say that cis-gender women experience more repression than trans women is telling me that they don’t fundamentally understand the daily struggles transgender people face whether they are in the closet or  out of it.”

            Benny didn’t mean to come off as harsh, but he had experienced haters’ hostilities towards his old friend more than he was willing to admit. Actually he was suddenly finding Rita to be less attractive by the second as she seemed to be coming off as anti-trans which wasn’t sitting well with the genuinely caring man.

            Rita clearly noticed his expression had grown quite serious and he had suddenly gone silent.

            “Ben! Don’t get me wrong! Maybe I overstepped my true feelings a bit too well, but people can be disingenuous and we have to protect or own you know.”

            Protect our own? Benny was not sure how to take Rita’s sudden shift in attitude, but he noticed that she was visibly upset by the turn of the conversation and seemed to be trying to contain her emotions. If she was just trying to protect her own friend, as he had in the past, it made sense that she might play the devils advocate.

            “Hey, it’s Ok. If you tell me you are a trans ally I will believe you. It just seemed you were being maybe a little transphobic or something” stated Benny with a much more gentle tone.

            Rita took a moment to collect her thoughts. “I am sorry, but from my perspective you seem so sure that you could just tell who a transgender person is because they couldn’t possibly fit in because of genetics and all that. It just seems stereotypical to me. Like have you figured out who the trans-girl in the office is?”

            She couldn’t hide the tinge of emotion in her voice. Fuck, Benny thought. This conversation should not be about damage control. Jesus!

            “No,” he sighed, “but you are right, I have thought about it. But the thing is that when someone is born into a physical gender the hormones and all, not to mention puberty – that was super hard on my friend – that was before puberty blockers and all that, I mean it leaves… damage in a way. Like maybe I think a trans-girl might be a little tall or have a kind of dark voice or something. But nobody in this office seems anything but totally female born. It wasn’t meant as a negative thing… I guess I never thought of it that way.”

            “It is probably how most people think. That you can always tell. I think it comes from the media’s depiction of transvestite and drag culture.”

            Benny thought about it as they worked in silence for a time. “Well, yeah. I suppose the media does seem to pick… people that all sort of .. look a little… ‘off’ in a way?”

            “To be fair, most of them identify as cisgender anyhow, and a lot of it is to do with drama and flamboyance and the whole show. But, I think some of them do actually pass, especially once they work through their awkward phase.”

            “Awkward phase?”

            Now it was Rita’s turn to teach Benny. “Yeah, it’s that time in a transgender person’s life when they are actually in-transition and of course, inevitably, people are going to question their gender. But eventually, for most transgender people they just become their gender on the outside after a while.”

            Benny smiled at the simplicity of it, and the fact that he never really questioned that his transgender friend was just a dude-in-the-world even before he really looked it – when others often questioned him. “Right!  I never really thought of it that way. I suppose the goal at the end of the day would be to blend in and live an ordinary life.”

            They both silently worked for a few minutes before Benny let out a slight chuckle “and now I am really curious about who the trans girl in our office is!”

            “What do you think makes you so curious? Do you think you would feel different around her?” asked Rita.

            Benny, still wary of the seriousness of the entire conversation, took time to consider how he really felt. Finally he said “I think it is just natural curiosity first and foremost. Like if one of your colleagues had been in a movie or some kind of athlete, you would kinda want to know who it was. But, with that said, I think I might actually become more protective of her, not much different than my old friend. I know the shit he had to deal with… I’m pretty sure she had to put up with…” Benny got quiet for a second… “I would let her know I will step up for her. No bullshit!”

            Rita was amazed to see how Benny’s passions had activated his chivalrous side as he was normally measured and laid back. She could see in his face that he was dead serious. “Well,” she smiled, “I think she will be pretty relieved and happy to know you are on her side considering you work with her every day.”

            “Ah. Now you are messing with me. I am not going to ask you who it is and I am sure not going to go around guessing now that I am aware of how primitive that makes me!”

            “I don’t think you are being primitive by being curious Ben, in fact I think you are being sensitive to the idea that not all trans girls want to share that they are trans at all.” mused Rita. “But it is okay that you know in this case.”

            Benny knew the concept well, as he would never in a million years drop his trans friend’s name and reveal him to have been born a girl. He hadn’t even told Rita his name and she wouldn’t have the first clue to who he was anyhow. But somehow he had spent this past few months wondering who the transgender person in his own office was, only now realizing that maybe it was best if he didn’t know at all. After all, wasn’t that the point? She would just want to fit in, to be.

            “You know what? I don’t think I want to know anymore. Like I think I should just leave her alone. After all, she is a girl-in-the-world, why would I need to know?”

            “In some cases, like close friendships, or with potential romantic partners it might be considered important. Or, some people just want to let people know to separate the riffraff from the allies.”

            “So this girl said it was okay for her co-workers to share this about her?”

            Benny was once again not entirely convinced that Rita understood the gravity of a casual name drop, and suddenly felt really bad for even being curious. What did it matter anyhow? He worked with an office full of women, nothing more, nothing less. “I am finding myself a little uncomfortable about you saying. I don’t know. Maybe don’t tell me, if she wants me to know I think it should be up to her to say, you know?”

            Rita just smiled. “I would call you a dummy if you weren’t being so serious – Ben! I am the trans girl in the office!”

            Ben refrained from saying anything at first. It would have been something socially awkward because he was completely blown away and trying hard not to show it. The best he could muster was “well, I think you are a beautiful woman!”

            Rita who was not beyond enjoying genuine compliments just smiled at Benny for a moment. “Thank you. Hormones are magic I must admit.”

            They both worked in silence for a while. Benny was in a quandary. He had just resolved to fully accept that trans women deserved the same space as any other and that he was just going to leave her be. But what did this mean for Rita? Ah fuck it, he thought.

            “To tell you the truth I have found you especially attractive for a while now and was trying to figure out a way to tactfully ask you out and now I don’t know if that is even cool anymore or on the table or whatever?”

            Rita looked at Benny and considered what he said. “Well, I am just a girl-in-the-world if what you said before is what you really mean. I would say yes if you asked me on a date.”

            Benny was caught off guard but quickly recovered. He thought she was really interesting as a person and was definitely smitten by her beauty – all those anxious feelings of actually being accepted by someone you have a real interest in came flooding in; he was excited, flattered, and simultaneously humbled by it.

            “Sure! Yeah. I would love to go out with you sometime.”

            “Well,” said Rita with a little smile “than maybe you should consider asking me out? I mean I don’t know? You’re the guy after all?”

            “Oh! Ha ha! Right! Umm… so, hey Rita, would you like to maybe catch a film with me sometime?”

            Despite his already knowing she would inevitably say yes, Benny was still as nervous as he ever was when he ever dared ask a girl out, as if he had to wait for the jury to deliberate on his fate.

            “I hear that there is an anime festival this weekend. That might be fun?”

            “Anime? I don’t know if I can go out with someone who is into anime!” But Benny could not contain his smile – He was in real danger now.

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My name is Sabrina Bell. I am transgender researcher and writer. My research, mainly in narratology, involves the notion that stories that generate empathy towards marginalized people, including LGBTQ and transgender people, can help to reframe a reader’s understanding of the “other” by showing how much we relate. I propose that this empathetic understanding can lead to pro-social moral change. In simplest form: the more we come to realize we relate and share common thoughts with others, the more we come to accept them. My fiction is a reflection of this research – often depicting scenarios where characters must, for a variety of reasons, try on different gender roles. These stories range from those depicting cis-gender characters caught up in short term situations to transgender characters coming of age. These stories are mostly hopeful, as are the goals of my research.