Land of Sun and Scars

Leyla grew up dreaming of America, all the bright colors, the actors, Disneyland, and even the ice cream! Growing up in Iran for Leyla was a mixed bag of treats, it was both beautiful and a nightmare. Things for her were better before the revolution of 1979. When she turned 12, everything changed, it felt like the opposite of the Wizard of Oz, things went from being in technicolor to black. Hijab became mandatory, showing ankles, wrists, even a slight bit of hair peaking out from under your scarf became illegal. It felt like someone sucked all the oxygen out of the room. Her mother, a homemaker, and her father an engineer, did the best they could to provide opportunity and care for their children, but they had 6 children and Leyla was the youngest. They had children to put through university, children who wanted to get married, and one of their children had leukemia and so hospital visits were a regular occurrence. Leyla loved her family but often felt overlooked. Before the revolution she would be glued to the television watching American movies, tv shows, rifling through fashion magazines, and was constantly experimenting with her older sister’s makeup. She had a knack for the arts and loved anything she could create with her hands. From a young age, especially when frustrated she would tell her family she would move to America, that she wasn’t meant to live in Iran. They would laugh when she would say this but she meant it, and oh how she would show all of them.

High School for Leyla had become a dreadful experience, not because she wasn’t a good student but because of having to wear the mandatory hijab, especially when the weather was warm. Sweat would just drip down her back on those days, it’s not how she grew up and so it felt like the ultimate punishment to be forced to wear a head scarf and a long hot jacket no matter the weather. She felt stifled and claustrophobic. Religious classes and prayer had become mandatory at school, morality police would hang around in all areas of her community and would monitor all kinds of things. They would monitor hijab, if women or girls were wearing makeup, if single men and women were mingling together, if any political activism or organization was taking place, everything had become so monitored and tense. The punishment for breaking any of these rules or laws was so harsh. Leyla shuddered just thinking about the consequences. A cousin of hers had been picked up by morality police and taken to “a reeducation center” where she was forced to take part in morality lessons and workshops. All because her blonde bangs were peaking through her head scarf and because she was wearing red lipstick and nail polish. It was as if colors and beauty no longer had a place in Iran. Women were made to feel like they were no longer equal to men. Leyla hated this, she wanted to be free to wear what she wanted, go where she wanted, to fall in love like her parents had, and to have opportunities. She often worried about what her future would be like.

As Leyla entered her last year of high school, she became worried about what her future held. Iran had changed, Universities were harder to get into, without a chance at entering a tuition free university, Leyla didn’t think that would be an option for her. Her two older sisters had already gone to university, one had graduated but another still had schooling left that their father was paying for. Her brothers had gone into business for themselves but as a woman, it wasn’t easy for Leyla to go that route. She also didn’t want to live in Iran anymore, she wanted to leave the country and literally would do just about anything to leave the country.

Every day that went by made Leyla feel more and more nervous. She so badly felt trapped and wondered about what her prospects were going to be like. It was time for new year celebrations in Iran and Leyla’s parents decided to hold a big dinner celebration and invite family, friends, and a few of their neighbors as well. At the party while Leyla was lingering in the kitchen watching her mother and sisters cooking, she overheard them talking about how their neighbors who lived 3 doors down from them, and how their son had been accepted into medical school in the US. Leyla’s ears perked up as they talked about this and she asked, “who got accepted, is it Nima?”. Leyla’s sister Sara turned around from peeling potatoes and said “yes, Nima, he got into a University in California, don’t you want to go to America? Maybe you can hitch a ride with him.” she laughed as she said this. Leyla rolled her eyes and fake laughed as she left the kitchen. Nima had always had a crush on Leyla, he had written her a few notes in the past professing his love for her, but she always dismissed him because they had basically grown up together, their families had lived next door to each other for over 20 years and it just felt like family. Leyla had other boys or men express interest in her, especially as she approached turning 18. She was tall, pretty, had long flowing hair, and knew how to pair an outfit together with the perfect accessories, but she didn’t want to end up with anyone yet. In fact, marriage wasn’t on her mind. She was the youngest of 6 and still very much felt like a child. She wanted to experience college life, date, and just have fun but she knew that this new Iran brought many challenges for girls like her. Options suddenly felt limited, even high powered and accomplished women in Iran had been pushed out of certain positions. One of Leyla’s aunts had been a judge but had been dismissed from her position along with all the other female judges because the new regime didn’t believe women should be judges. It was devasting for her aunt, she had gone into a deep depression and hadn’t been the same since it happened. Leyla felt like everywhere she looked, things just kept getting worse for women, it made her anxious.

The party was in full swing, people were finishing their meals, some plates were being carried to the kitchen and as Leyla was taking a stack of dishes to be washed, she saw Nima follow her out of the corner of her eye. She set dishes down and turned around and walked right into his chest. “Leyla, oh dear, I am so sorry, I wanted to talk to you, can you please come with me out into the yard?” Leyla thought about it for a moment and nodded her head yes. She followed him out into the yard, they walked over to a pond where her father kept fish, they sat on a few chairs near it. He looked at her with his large green eyes and put his hand through his thick brown hair, Leyla hadn’t seen him in a while, and she felt like he looked a little more grown up since she had seen him last. He had finished his first degree and while he had been away at school, she didn’t realize how much more he looked like…like an adult! He was tall and looked like he had filled out and was that muscle tone? She waited for him to speak but he seemed nervous, and she said “So, Nima, what was it you wanted to talk about?”. He cleared his throat and said “Yes, I uh, I know this might sound a bit weird or rushed but I don’t know if you heard that I got into medical school in the US. I have always liked you Leyla and I didn’t want to leave without asking if you would consider a marriage proposal?”.

Leyla’s eyes got wide, and she felt like her mouth went dry, a million thoughts went through her mind all at the same time. She always just saw Nima as one of the kids that were always in and around her and her siblings, but he wasn’t a child anymore. She didn’t want to get married this young, she turned 18 in 3 months, and in about 6 months he would leave Iran for America. America was her dream! She felt flattered that Nima would ask her and maybe a part of her did feel attracted to him, but she felt like she was so young, too young maybe! She also felt a rush of pain and anger, she had put out into the universe that she wanted to go to America but not like this. She felt every emotion welling up inside her all at the same time. “Leyla, did you hear what I said, are you ok? I know it’s sudden and you don’t have to answer me now. Please think about it. I know you aren’t 18 just yet and I didn’t want to rush you like this, but my time is limited as I must move in about 6 months”. Leyla looked at him for a second struggling to find the words, she never had a problem finding words in any situation, but she finally got out a “yes, I will marry you.”. He looked stunned and said, “you will?”. Leyla nodded her head feeling hot and like her face was probably flushed. “So now what, how does this work now?” Leyla whispered. Nima put his hand on hers and said “I will talk to your parents and bring my parents along too. I am so happy Leyla, I know we are both young, but I love you and I think you will have more opportunities in America, I will make sure of it. I didn’t want to leave here without you, you are too smart for this place.”. She felt emotional and didn’t deal well with emotions so she nodded and then quickly stood up, and said, “we should go back inside now, I think we can talk more later.” and with that she turned and walked inside, she was sure she heard Nima let out a laugh and he followed not too far behind.

A few days later Nima had said he met with her parents and his parents were with him too. An hour went by before they brought me into the room where they were sitting and having tea. My parents asked me if this was what I wanted, they looked both happy and emotional. I took a breath and then said “yes, this is what I want, I want to marry Nima.”. After that, there was lots of hugging, happy tears, congratulations going around, and our mothers talking about planning for a wedding. Nima had 4 siblings so between both of our families, it was going to be a very large wedding. Nima and his parents said their goodbyes and left, and I could swear Nima looked like he was walking on clouds. Leyla’s mother turned to me and said “are you sure this is what you want? You are so young my dear, I know that he is leaving for America, but we could ask him to wait.”. Leyla looked at her square in the eyes and said “Yes Maman, this is what I want. I don’t want to wait.”. Leyla’s father laughed and with tears in his eyes he said, “well you always did tell us you would go to America, I guess God heard your prayers.”. Leyla, who was famous for being tough, also shed a few tears, her siblings would always joke that she was her father’s favorite. She was spunky, sassy, and smart, her father loved that about her, and Leyla also thought she was probably his favorite. For a moment looking at him and seeing him emotional, tugged at her heart strings, leaving Iran meant she would not see him for a long time. It hadn’t sunk in yet, what all of this would mean. She had so badly wanted to go to America and now she had a way to go, but it also meant that she would leave so much behind. She hugged her parents and went to her room to think.

She put her head down on her pillow and felt herself drifting away, she never took naps but all of the emotions and thoughts had exhausted her. When she woke, she felt anxious and angry, why did she have to make a decision like this? She wanted to go to America, she did care for Nima, but it all felt so rushed. She would finish high school, have a summer wedding, and then they would have to prepare to head to America before the end of the summer. She did want better opportunities but why did this feel like an impossible choice? Leyla knew that she wasn’t the only woman or person to be going through this in Iran. She wondered if Iran would ever be free again, but at the same time didn’t want to take the risk to not take this chance for a better future. Her sister came and called her to dinner and Leyla headed to sit with the rest of the family. Her mother shared the news with her siblings, and everyone was happy for her, hugging her, congratulating her, and of course teasing her. It was a moment of joy that she wouldn’t forget.

A month later Nima’s family got the news that his older brother had been arrested for political activities against the regime. It became clear that this was not good news and that everyone was worried about what this would ultimately mean. His family and friends were all trying to pull strings to get him a good lawyer and to beg for his release. His lawyers had said when they met with him a few days later, that he had been beaten and looked like he had been tortured. What was to be a sham trial had been scheduled for a few days after that. Everyone was nervous and scared for him. After the trial Leyla learned that he had been sentenced to death. Nima’s parents were distraught and had been camping outside of the prison where he was being held in the hopes of seeing him and I also learned that many other parents would hold similar type vigils in the hopes of seeing their children again. A month later Nima’s brother was executed by firing squad, his family received a phone call notifying them, and later they received a bill for the bullets used during his execution. Families of political prisoners are not allowed to mourn, and they never received his body back, he was buried somewhere in an unmarked grave. Nima’s parents looked like ghosts, his mother was so strong and kept holding the family together, but this was horrific. Leyla spoke to Nima and tried to comfort him “I am so sorry Nima, he was so amazing, everyone loved him, your brother was one of the gentlest souls I ever met.”. Nima squeezed her hand and touched her hair, he left the room. He had taken the call from the prison and was the one who had been notified about the death, Leyla didn’t know how he had been able to break the news to the rest of the family, that would have broken her. There was only a month left until her graduation and she silently cursed the regime from sucking the air out of the room again. This shouldn’t have happened. Nima’s brother was a university graduate, an engineer, a father of a baby boy. He deserved better and Leyla couldn’t help feeling like maybe America was the only way option to living a life of not only opportunity but the only way for Nima and her to experience joy again. The air everywhere felt heavy, but they all had no choice but to keep moving forward.

The next few months were filled with mourning but both Leyla and Nima’s parents insisted on the wedding going forward as planned. They wanted their children to have a proper wedding and to experience some joy before sending them off to a new country. The wedding was big and beautiful. A picture of Nima’s brother sat at their head table and Leyla couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness for him and a life cut short. After the wedding she felt a range of emotions happiness, excitement, sadness, and surprisingly still anger. She felt like the youth of Iran were being faced with constant impossible choices. They were all rushing into decisions that would lead them to opportunity, but it was all laced with trauma. It wasn’t fair, these were some of the best and brightest humans in the world, education was a desire that most young adults wanted for themselves, it wasn’t fair at all. She couldn’t help thinking about how beautiful Iran was and once again could be but all that it was now was the land of sun and scars. Literal scars that they all carried around and were forced to coverup as they moved through their daily lives.

It was time for Leyla and Nima to make the journey to America. The night before their flight they had a large dinner and send-off with all their families and friends. It was a bittersweet celebration. Lots of laughter, hugs, and tears, everything all mixed into one. Their parents were too emotional to send them off to the airport so one of Leyla’s cousins drove them. As they boarded and took their seats, Nima told Leyla to take the window seat. The plane lifted off and Leyla looked out the window. A single tear fell from her eye and a big smile spread across her face.

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Saniya Ghalehdar lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. She immigrated to Canada as a young child with her parents from Iran. She recently graduated from the University of British Columbia’s Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion Certificate Program. She is also a women’s and gender studies major at the University of Athabasca and Saniya also works for an Inclusive Leadership team at college. She loves causes that help advance women’s rights and marginalized communities, has a creative side and has a great love of the arts.