Jane Eaton Hamilton Tar Sands Hotel and Spa Welcome to the Tar Sands Hotel and Spa! Canada's private playground in the north! Golf! Bicycle! Water-skiing! Wake boarding! Jet ski and fishing! Scuba on the tailings ponds! And our weekday special: Watch birds slick! Migratory mergansers! Black Canada Geese! 36 oily guestrooms with fireplaces burning authentic forest slag! Hot as Hades! We are known for our killer views! At our spa, please remediate: Canadian Treasures Massage $150 A 55-minute petroleum sand scrub massage and indulgence bitumen facial! Canadian Heavy Metal Wrap: $190 Bring the glories of youth back to your skin! This exfoliating session is a two-hour pampering while naphthenic acids molecules are blasted into every pore! Sure to give you arrhythmia! Tar Sands' Toxification $225 A half-day in our tailings hydrotub and steam room followed by a tar sands' aromatherapy session, a half-hour northern-clay massage, plus pedicure and manicure! The full deal! Chemicaly-infused for relaxation! NEW: Tar Sands' nail polish in Bitumen Black! Tar Sands' Halcyon Package $400 Coma-inducing for maximum relaxation! The Petroleum Massage, the Heavy Metal Wrap and the Tar Sands' Toxification all rolled into one day-long pampering session. Plus our not-to-be-missed extras: Arsenic, lead, mercury, chromium, vanadium, hydrogen sulphide and cadmium butters (your choice of three). This is for the person who really wants to change their life.